Betrayal

Posted by saturnsea (111 days ago)

I am married for last 12 years and we have two kids. We were leading a normal family life and everything was going perfectly allright. My husband had to go to another nearby country for business assignment for one year. When he was about to leave that country I found from few of his emails that he was going around with a girl( single) for around 4-5 months. Upon asking, he was not ready to confess firstly but when I showed his own exchange of e-mails to her, he confessed saying that he was lonely there and he used her to kill his lonliness. I am shattered with this incident. He is trying to behave normally and he cares for me bit more compared to before. He keeps requesting me to forget this incident and seeks forgiveness. But I keep asking myself 'did he love me in those 12 years or were we just leading a normal family life with a relation to commitment to each other. He says that he always loved me and this incidnet is not betrayal. My equation is that if there is love between husband -wife, there is no scope of betrayal. He says that it was not betrayal at all, since he was lonely and he just committed this mistake of having a short term affair with this woman. He did not hide from this woman also that he is maaried. He does not have any communication with this woman now. I am trying to compose myself and trying hard by keeping myself busy in my business, different activiites & with my kids but at the back of my mind, I strongly feel betryed. My health is also suffering, as I am unable to sleep properly becaue I am unable to put up with this grief. My husband was my pride as he always cared for me & kids but now I do not feel like giving due respect to him.

Can anyone advise how to go about such stage? Is it not called betrayal?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by FKKC (111 days ago)

I know how you feel. You have 2 children and you were happily married - at least you thought you were.....that is what makes it so shattering. If this is his first time and if he shows remorse and learns his lesson....give him and yourself another chance, especially when there are 2 children involved....be watchful in how he behaves trying to bring back your trust and love (only you can feel his sincerity).

Good luck and all the best....the hurt in you and the disrespect for him will take a long time to heal. Pride & trust will be lost. The illusion of having a wonderful & perfect husband is gone but still we have to get on with our lives. We can always cheer ourselves by making excuses that other wives may have worse husbands to deal with and we are by far luckier...just a tiny affair...no big deal there!!!

Seriously, if your husband really repents, you should accept him and his faults although the hurt may linger on.....nobody is promised a smooth road from the time he was born to go towards death.

One last advice.........try to let go of any anger, hurt etc. (easier said than done, I know - but do try) ....why?....that's for loving yourself, because these emotions will turn into stress and cancer cells attack a person when one is stressful too long.

Yes, the term is definitely called betrayal!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by saturnsea (110 days ago)

Thanks FKKC. There is another worry which makes me insecured. I keep thinking that if the change in him is a just a for a short term because I am angry with him at this moment of time. Because I never saw any trace of regret in him after he broke off with this woman. During those days he was normal as before. Now when he is caught, he shows regret( or pretends regret) and takes care of me a bit more. I feel that this care is not from his heart but he is doing it to calm down the situation. Oh God...I am very very confused. I know I am expecting a true love from him and that's just a dream in today's society. One thing you said is ver true that we can always cheer ourselves by making excused that other wives may have worse husbands to deal with.
Anyway thanks for your adivse, I will surely try my best to to let go of anger and hurt.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (110 days ago)

saturnsea, stop thinking of the bad incident, it's done, he cannot undo it. instead, now concentrate your time to make him happy and enjoy being with you again. don't chase him, bring him back to you. and stop nagging him.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ribbons (110 days ago)

One can go into denial, as Hoyo suggests, and yes, this may ultimately be the best strategy for those who can rationalise these things away.

However, Saturnsea, you are right when you say you are in grief. It is real for you, and will take some time to understand your feelings and overcome the shock and fear. When we see another side of someone we thought we knew well, and in whom we have invested our deepest hopes for the future, we experience a range of unpredictable emotions. Suddenly the future doesn't seem at all so stable. Suddenly the past seems like an illusion. Our lives seem like a story we've read all wrong. No wonder many choose either to plaster up the cracks with diversions or choose not to see these disturbing things - too much adjustment needs to be done when we make the unthinkable real.

But things have changed for you both, and both of you now need to work out a rescue plan, or at least a way of dealing with what has happened. I don't think it is at all easy to do this without some expert guidance. I've suggested on another thread that a crisis situation like this really needs professional help. A third party can help generate options for you and allow you to find ways to speak to each other to share what this all means to you both. You're in shock and anger mode right now, and not wise to make sudden decisions. Do go to see someone to talk about this.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (110 days ago)

i didn't suggest denial! on the contrary, i suggested that she accepted her husband and his imperfect behavior.
if she wants to continue the "war" path with the husband, she must be ready to face the consequences. otherwise, continue with your life and sure, going to a professional counselor will help.
usually, a lot of emotion will come into play and it is always better to let things calm down a little. most of the times, the emotion which brings out the irrationality, will make things worse, the woman chasing away the husband who in turn will take irrational action and then the relationship will break.
again, it all depends on the age and the situation of the woman who financially rely 100% on the husband in which case, her position will be very weak.
must work out on the relation, cannot let another woman break the family.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ribbons (110 days ago)

Understand Hoyo, but accepting the husband's behaviour amounts to denial of the reality of its effects, and also the fact that she does have options. Sure, a woman is often in a precarious situation when her husband strays, and shouldn't make a rash move. This was not suggested. But she shouldn't believe she has no power at all. She has a lot of leverage, and is often not the victim you paint. Most men don't realise how much they stand to lose in a divorce. They can lose big big big. Even so, many women do come out of a divorce in a weaker position than their husbands, but they at least do not have to live with a diminished position in the home. Why do you think most men choose not to leave their wives when discovered in these situations. It's not easy out there, baby, and they know it. The wife is in the end, usually the safest and best bet, and a man has a big interest in keeping that relationship at all costs. The wife does have a good bargaining position on which to establish some terms of conduct that are acceptable.

Your advice seems to me to be rather male-centric. Why should she suck it all up? You assume that a woman above all else wants to keep a betraying husband. I think that can be challenged. She has the right to make her husband aware of his responsibilities to the marriage. This doesn't mean going on the war path, but it doesn't mean being a doormat either.

Counselling often helps both sides to see what their options are, and to help the parties to get a clearer picture of consequences. This is a modern world, and relationships aren't as stereotypical as they used to be. Women have a lot more options in a relationship than they previously did, and shouldn't be led to believe that they should simply accept unacceptable behaviour to save a marriage the structure of which doesn't serve her at all. She has the right and power to make some demands to keep in the relationship. And more husbands today know that they have to suck that up too.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by roonib (110 days ago)

Is a lonliness that make him to do or is he not get the care/love from the person he love's last 12 years?
You/We should check yourself/we too that that why he/we did this?
I erally don't understand that man do this kinda things just coz lonliness or what but why do we not think and observe and check that wht make him to do this may be man cannot get love and care from GF/wife that he got in earlier time.
Telling you as an base on "human nature" analyst the one do this coz second cannot care and love that he/she want and need.
i meet and interviewd a lot peoples/couples and found that when they not care or treat good each other (as they do in their start of love/relation) then they feel and try to look around.
So please dont let yourself down or feel bad or sad happend is happend and do more care and love and give all that he need and want and i am sure he never ever think to go any where but to YOU.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Sapphire (109 days ago)

Saturnsea ~ Hang in there! If you really love your husband, and he loves you, you can work it out. You are going to feel hurt and angry for a while, he has betrayed your trust and you probably feel right now that you'll never be able to get that trust back, especically if he has to go away to work again. You need to keep talking openly with him, don't bottle things up inside, they will just fester away and you'll become very bitter ... you need to make him understand that as one of the people you love most in the world and trusted, how much he has hurt you, and he needs to understand that you can't simply forget about what he's done ... it's going to take time and a lot of hard work on both sides ... he needs to know that he has got to be patient with you and help you through this.

People are not perfect and sometimes they do stupid things, which they later bitterly regret. And it's not until afterwards that they realise how much they stand to lose. I'm not making excuses for what your husband has done, he has betrayed you and nothings going to change that. You say he didn't show any signs of regret until he'd been found out ... well, he was probably just thanking his lucky stars when he thought he'd got away with it. Now you know what he's done, and the chances are, if he truly loves you, he's feeling ashamed right now and regrets putting his life with his family at risk. He's probably scared about what decisions you will make.

Some people may tell you that he can never be trusted again, and some would openly encourage you to leave him, but no one knows how they would react themselves unless they've been through a similar situation. Only you can decide what's right for you. If you love each other, and the love is strong enough, you'll get through this. Take a look back over your past 12 years together ... is it worth saving, or do you want to throw it all away?

Good luck to you, and I hope you manage to work things out together. X

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by saturnsea (109 days ago)

Roonib, he never told me that he feels lonely when he was there. Instead I wanted to go there to meet him on weekends. But whenever I mentioned I will be coming to meet you the very coming weekend, he told me that he is very busy. He said that I do not need to come there but he will make visit here. It made sense to me that instead to we three go there, he can come and meet us all. I was feeling very lonely here always when he was there and missed him. But he never uttered a single occasion that he was feeling lonely and he wanted me to come there. Rather he said he is busy at work. And now when I ask these questions, he does not want to talk about it. He says he does not want to discuss this issue. I have no intention to leave my husband. I really want to have a peacefull life but I the questions which keep haunting me day and night are making me miserable. I can not discuss this with my family and friends as my husband have a very good reputation in society and among friends, I do not know how my husband will react if I discuss this with any of my family members or friends. As he does not want me to discuss this matter with anybody on this earth. Nor he is telling the truth

Also I have put this question to him that did he not get enough love/care from me that he betrayed me. Firstly he said yes, then I asked him to quote me single example where I failed to give him love, care or respect. Then he changed his statement saying that he had some bitterness towards me that he betrayed. Again I asked him to give the account of that bitterness, then he said he does not want to talk about this topic anymore. I am at loss whether he is just making excuses or he does have solid ground to support his own statements. He is not ready to talk about it. But I do not want to live under assumptions.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by FKKC (109 days ago)

What Sapphire wrote is so wise, truthful and down-to-earth. Please listen to her saturnsea as I think it is the best general advice so far for situations like yours.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sarahkowloon (109 days ago)

He's trying to justify to himself why he did what he did. My husband did the same thing to me.

Hang in there and don't let him get away with it!

My husband didn't want me talking to anyone as well. I ended up talking about it with his friend who then admitted much more to me.

Don't let him convince you that your the problem ok!

All the best :)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ribbons (109 days ago)

There's a tendency here to blame the wife for 'driving the man away'. All relationships have difficulty. People who harbour resentment instead of talking about their grievances end up acting upon them in other ways. The husband must take some responsibility for not sharing his thoughts. Here we have a woman who is taken quite by surprise by the developments in the marriage. While patience and understanding will go a long way to solving this issue, they aren't going to be enough unless the other party is prepared to talk about this.

The man was caught red-handed. Men who have a 'busy' life have the perfect excuse for all sorts of behaviour. I've had this line flung at me before only to find later the person was simply 'busy' with someone else. Ho hum...

Sarahkowloon is right... he's just trying to justify himself. I'm with her on this one. Hang in there Saturnsea. Don't be a sap. Go and talk to a counsellor on your own if you must. Tell him you are getting advice from a professional to deal with this. Ask him to work with you on it. If he refuses, leave the door open, but continue to address this issue yourself with the aid of professional help. Of course he doesn't want anyone to know about this. But why should that stop you from getting help to deal with your feelings in the absence of any answers from him.

As I've said above, men usually have an interest in securing the marriage. You've found out about this. Life will never be the same again. You both need new ways of dealing with the problems in your marriage. Be strong. Don't assume all the guilt for this. Marriages have survived infidelity, and there's no reason why you shouldn't have your need for trust respected and understood.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (109 days ago)

>saturnsea, you're a big girl. only you know your personal situation and what best way to solve your problem. don't ask advice here, it could ruin your life.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by merlyn sevilla (109 days ago)

hey saturnsea, cheer up!!....do you have friends in hongkong that you can spend time with and say travel for awhile?...or maybe you can go somewhere by yourself first and see things from afar?..again, easy said than done but this could help...you cannot go on living like this and like you said, your health is already suffering so better give yourself a break...give yourself space and also your husband and see things from a different angle..i bet, its not easy to see him everyday so better think of how to give each other space, but meanwhile if you can continue to "discuss" with him about how you feel without sounding to be a nagger, would be good...why not consult a marriage counselor?...worth a try if you think your marriage is worth saving...just my few cents of thought....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Paneristi (109 days ago)

Totally agree with this

" stop thinking of the bad incident, it's done, he cannot undo it. instead, now concentrate your time to make him happy and enjoy being with you again. don't chase him, bring him back to you. and stop nagging him."

Just move on ....

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Vulvic (109 days ago)

How sad that some of you are advsing Saturnsea to accept her husband's affair and stop nagging him. If the shoe were on the other foot then you'd be giving very different advice.

He had an affair. He disrespected his wife and his marriage, there is no excuse for that. Instead he should be trying his best to ear his wife's forgiveness and mfinding ways to re-build their marriage. I hope that Saturnsea has the strength to insist on counselling for them both.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ribbons (109 days ago)

Yes... it's sad, and scary...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by annaya (109 days ago)

before i got married, my mother said "love your husband no matter what, he is your diamond, pure and clean. if he fall to a very dirty deep mud in the dark, FIND IT, WIPE IT (with your tongue if its needed), CLEAN IT SO YOU CAN SEE IT SHINE AGAIN, AND HOLD IT PROPERLY THIS TIME SO YOU WILL NEVER LET IT FALL AGAIN"

no matter how deep your husband fell, he is your husband, ITS NOT IMPORTANT HOW BAD AND HOW MEAN HE WAS TO YOU, YOU MADE DECISION TO MARRY THIS GUY AND YOU PROMISE TO LOVE HIM FOREVER (aren't you) so, for this tyoe of man, just give your true love, stop this case, end of discusion, open your heart again, God will teach you how to FORGIVE AND FORGET.

You are the best, you know that!!! but.... only if you success pass this test... the hardest test in woman's life...

DONT let this "biatch" ruined your life. SHE IS nothing, and your family are most precious then any one else!

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by easygoing (108 days ago)

saturnsea, your husband made a mistake and this is not your fault. THis mistakes makes you suffer. Sorry that this happened to you cos you dont deserve it.

I hope you gather the strength to go through it. Betrayal or not is only a definition. We are not in court, dont use a definition to make judgement and decide what sentence should be given to your husband. Remember in God's term, love is above law. Law is for people who dont understand and cant manage themselves.

Dream does not come true by luck, dream might come true with a lot of effort and faith.

He did not say he is not happy about the family/you. He admits he made a mistake (and many guys dont admit their mistake but blame they dont have a good family)

I hope you can calm down, try to bring out your love, faith and wisdom to overcome your negative emotions, and focus to improve the relationship. You forgive him today, and I believe if one day you make a big mistake you would also hope for him to embrace you with forgiveness. We are all human beings with flaws.

A good + intelligent man would never let go a super loving + wise woman. He would treasure you even more.

Take care of yourself and your family

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by saturnsea (108 days ago)

Dear All,

Thanks to all for writing your viewpoints which will surely help me to decide what direction I should head to. The only question which haunts me now why he betrayed. If he was feeling lonely there, why he did not tell me, or ask me to come there or write me romantic e-mails the way he wrote to her. Why he insisted her in his e-mails to meet everyday and sounded so demanding to have physical relations with her. Is it normal for a man that when they get chance, they indulge in such affairs. He says he loves his family and he can not leave us, but then question arises, why he put all of us at stake if he really loves us. I think the reason of betrayal is important though it may be disheartening. But at least reason will help to analyse where and what went wrong? Only then I will be able to put the pieces of this puzzle together. What do you guys think? But how to get this information from him if he does not want to discuss.

I am trying my best to cheer-up and engaging myself in differnt activities but some or other thoughts keep cropping in my mind. The exchange of their e-mails keep haunting me because I have seen a very different form of my husband now, which I had no clue at all for 13 years.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by FKKC (108 days ago)

Ever heard of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde? A man told me that was how he felt when he was cheating on his wife....he was completely a different person with the other woman but when he returned home, he switched back to his proper role. Scary!!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by sicn (108 days ago)

Why married men cheat? Because they can. The truth is all human are half civilized and half not. Male biologically wants to have sex with as many as they can. Female wants to keep the best they can keep as long as they can. In a civilized society, the perfect marriage life has been created and celebrated. But the animal side of our nature has been suppressed and condemned. It is fair to say that every married man is a potential infidel.
So Satunsea, please don't feel bad about what you see in him. It is part of every man's nature and you found out he acted it out.
The normal society created a setting to keep people inside their marriage, like family, church, community, neighbors, friends, kids, kids' school, perfect family pictures on the wall, Christmas, thanksgiving...Now he is away from all those restrains. He thought he could give the animal inside a little vacation that he could be anyway he wanted which is completely different than the perfect husband and father.
He never wanted break up the family. That means the civilized side of him is still in control. So don't be scared. In the end, it is just matter of how you look at what happened in the past. Don't let the perfect marriage rose glass blind your eyes of who we really are.
Also 12 years of same night and day of marriage life, though perfect on the surface, it is like eating lobster every meal. So maybe, change your life a little bit, change your look, redecorated your house (change the fengshui), Be more erotic, have some fantasy nights...Be more visible in his social circle in the other city. Or even move to live with him.
Basically let him know you can feed him his animalistic appetite and bring more civilized setting into his life.
Just think that don't let the picture perfect drown you. Breathe some fresh air and get real.

(I am based in Guangzhou)

Posted by aremos (107 days ago)

Men are really polygamous. Betrayal is really the term but man is man

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cd (107 days ago)

I really find it hard to believe that so many men out there think its ok to cheat, because thats what guys do, and she should just put up with it...
She shouldn't have to put up with it, at the very least she should expect some answers. He has betrayed her, not for a one night stand but for a 5 month affair. The other woman is not the one throwing away the marriage, the husband is by choosing to go down that route.
Satunsea, I think you need to take time to come to terms with this, talk to people, don't keep your feelings bottled up. Talk to your family and friends, it doesn't matter than he doesn't want you to, he's lost any rights at the moment and has to work very hard to get them back. Maybe you can work through it, but he needs to accept that its going to take a long time. It doesn't sound as though he feels sorry for what he's done, it will take a very long time for him to earn any trust back.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by BoBB_ing (107 days ago)

So many professionals here...
Saturnsea if you really want help go to a marriage counselor. Organise to take your husband and yourself. You will need several sessions. I sure the experts in this thread will give you names and numbers.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kazasia (106 days ago)

of course its betrayal - the guy was unfaithful and he now expects you to feel bad cause you find it hard to accept - he should be on his knees begging for forgiveness every single day - men need to know they can behave in this way if they want to keep their families - jees u guys are too easy on them!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by kazasia (106 days ago)

I meant CANT behave badly not CAN

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (106 days ago)

As Kazasia, CD and others have said, it is utterly surprising how so many women, and men, have taken the stand that Saturnsea should 'put this all behind her', as if she had some kind of automatic memory eraser, and as if the behaviour was a mere inconvenience or trifle.

Saturnsea, you don't have to 'minimize' your feelings regarding this infidelity. It is, as CD says, 'betrayal' and you will need a lot of help in the way of counselling to get over it, if you can.

It will no doubt take an apology from him, and a genuine commitment to work on the relationship with you. At present, all he's doing is hiding from the reality, and projecting the blame back to you.

Quite frankly, annaya's description of a betraying husband as being 'like a diamond that's fallen into the mud' and has to be 'wiped clean'... is well, too unbelievable for words. A mother who gives her child that kind of advice needs to be slapped. For my own part, I've told all of my three grown children to choose someone who treats them well, and who respects themselves, their wife and children enough to not want to create a chaotic life. I've also advised them to always have their own income source, or career, and to see a relationship as an emotional journey, not a financial arrangement that one is tied to no matter what the other person does to you, or an inescapable battleground.

Divorce can be a healthy alternative to living with the dysfunctional or destructive behaviour of a spouse. Luckily, I never had to endure that, but it is an option, and may result in a better outcome for you - who knows? It all depends on your own particular personality, and whether or not you have adequate family support to get you over this.

Before you take that route, however, you should go to a counsellor, with him or without him.

Don't be bullied, or made to feel wrong for having genuine feelings of grief and depression over this. It is a deep cut to be betrayed. People with weak alternatives would advise you to accept this... Why accept this, when you could aim for a better, healthier marriage, or life without this kind of abuse...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (106 days ago)

Sooooooooo true! I agree with all of the above, 100%!

Do not put up with crap or one day you will be burried in it! That advice about the diamond in the mud thing...*SMH* seriously! Its the kind of advice given by folks that dont have a better option to fall back on! You have a job, you have a brain and you know how you would like to be treated - with respect! People saying "I stay with his because I love him and I care about the vows we made" when they have no job, no family to support them and no intentions of heading out there and figuring out how they can come out on top if they left...they are the ones you do NOT need to be taking advice from. Truth of the matter is, they dont want to admit to themselves why they are still with some chump who cheats...and the reality of admitting it would maybe give them the gods honest courage to somehow going about making their lives better and finding out what their options are...instead for many its simply easier to play the long suffering wife/husband.

And if you ask me the "I dont see it as a betrayal, get over it" story is totally gagworthy! 2 kids and a loving wife and its "nothing"???? Gimme a break! Pshhhh! You know why you feel betrayed and why you feel that hollow sick feeling in the pit of your stomach? Its because it IS true...you DO NOT know this man you thought you knew! And he knows you even less if he thinks you should simply think of this as "nothing" and just "put it behind you".

Truth of the matter though is in what YOU want. What do YOU want from all this. What do YOU want your life to be like? Millions of folks are stuck struggling with lousy marriages, and many have the exact same story as you, so you are not alone in that front...just...where you are unique is in the choice you make on how you go forward from here.

Think long and hard, it may be painful, but think till the pain you feel is just a dull ache. As many have suggested, get some councelling, with or without the ungrateful git, and this will help you put thoughts into words. Therapy wont solve your problems but it will certainly give you the tools with which to go about sorting your life out.

Good luck.

Just remember...those who sit there saying their life sucks are simply doing very little to analyze why they have that whinge in the first place and further more spend way too little time trying to figure out what they can do to make it better. Dont be one of those peeps! Be strong!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by hoyo (106 days ago)

saturnsea, there is no 1 universal culture, is there? one thing is acceptable isn't for others. the danger of asking opinion in here, is that there will be and are many from different people form different walk of life and culture. the more you read here ,the more you will be confused. at the end, it is you! you will be the one to decide. but then, remember, you have something here, children, family and husband even imperfect he is. many people here have nothing, so they have nothing to lose, or they have already lost and they will say they don't regret it...
so don't rush, consult a professional etc... do whatever is necessary to save your marriage, try. don't listen to most of the people here who would without hesitation terminate a relationship/family. they have their ideal of life, they could come from a different culture, or they are simply young, inexperience, rebellious, "independent" etc.. whatever. remember, a long lasting relationship will always have problem and its success will depend more on your ability to solve the problem and not its destruction.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (106 days ago)

No one here, as far as I can see has 'without hesitation' advised to terminate the marriage. On the contrary... the sensible advice has been to seek counselling. .. the outright foolish advice is coming from those who say stick through this through thick and thin. My goodness... that kind of advice only works if BOTH parties are working on it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Justin Credible (Part Deux) (106 days ago)

Hoyo has one thing right, the husband is imperfect. If we expand on that thought, maybe wife isnt perfect either, eh? Who knows...yes, we all know, as does the OP and oh hell yeah, so do ALL THE OTHER PEEPS GIVING ADVICE, that the OP is the one who has to make this decision all by her lonesome. I mean, in a world divided into team Aniston or team Jolie, its not rocket science to know that there will be a range of opinions on here...its the virtual cud she will have to chew on while she makes her decision...one opinion isnt any better or worse than the next, we all know that opinions are like a**holes...we all got em and most of em stink...its up to OP to decide what to read and keep and what to read and weep!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by richweddle (104 days ago)

I feel very badly for you but the bottomline is this: forgive him (which includes forgetting) and stay in the marriage. I strongly believe that two people come together and form a union most of the time for purposes they don't understand but they were meant to be together. The scars of ending your relationship never go away and the grass is never greener on the other side. Trust me, I know. You have to be a very big person here and help restore your marriage. If I may ask, why didn't you visit him while he was away? Did you make strong efforts to stay connected (phone calls, letters, small gifts, visits, etc)? This may sound strange but, given that both parties contribute to a situation, what was he not getting in the marriage that caused him to look outside the marriage? He must now re-establish trust by being a living example every day. Thanks and good luck!

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by zonked (104 days ago)

saturnsea, I have read a few posts on this thread. Read your last one, from four days back.

I will say one thing on it -- I can totally understand that you want the answers to all those questions, but unfortunately you just never will get them. I have been in similar situation, and unfortunately, on both ends, and I know it is just difficult to know, let alone understand, why married men cheat. There are men with beautiful families doing that, and men who say they love their wife and don't want to hurt them do that....

Even if you get the answers, very unlikely they will satisfy you.

The truth is, it has happened to you. It won't ever go away. You may forgive him; it is impossible to forget. You may stay with him but you'll never let go of what he did. I do not mean to give a bleak picture, but this is the truth.

Another thing -- don't ever put yourself in that "poor wife" syndrome. Doesn't help. A lot of women here seem to use that phrase and it is rather annoying. I was cheated on too, and was very sad about it, but never once did I think I was this weak "poor wife" whom another woman got to destroy. I fought back.

You're a, I assume, smart, intelligent woman, and you have all the choices as your husband has. Never think you cannot go out there be by yourself. You can, if that is what you choose to do. Live on your own terms! And don't live a life of misery!

Try, and definitely try your best if you love him, but let go when you think staying with him is harming you more than making you happy by constantly suspecting him. Peace of mind is the most important thing in a relationship. And that is what makes one happy. If that is lost, there is nothing left.

Take care, and best of luck!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ayumi (104 days ago)

A betrayal is a betrayal, and it's not something to be tolerated as "normal". True, a lot of people have experienced it, and know that it's not easy to get over it. You can forgive, but trusting your husband again will be the hardest thing to do. Counselling can help, you might reassess your relationship with him. Whatever happens, i wish you the best for you and your kids.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tig (68 days ago)

I agree with Ayumi, a betrayal is a betrayal. no matter what he says it has been done. If he did think about the family, if he loved them as much he wouldnt have slipped and to have been with the gf for about 4-5 months just goes to show his love for the wife and family.
Even if you did get back together with him, he will cheat again.
im really sorry for being so negative, but i have been through a cheating bf who promised he would change. the second time round there were even more and i knew some of them too.

You may want to be together with him for the sake of the children, but kids feel happiness only when it is there.
I got burnt too many times to feel positive about him.
sorry, but i think if he was with her for 4-5 months his love for you or for your family was very limited and wasnt unconditional.

good luck

(I am based in Hong Kong)