Sexual relationship

Posted by niju (180 days ago)

I m not sure if i can post anything about sexual realtionship . but i really want to know

1 : in a long term / marriage relationship .how often do the couples have sex in a week .
( I m in a 8 yrs relationship . no kids . but we only have sex 2-3 times a month when i asked my partner he goes our relationship is not a lust but Love . ) just wondering is that normal ? since the magazine always said is normal for couples to have sex 3-4 times a week ..

actually we are in very good relationship . ( well . the issues is not happen all of the sudden )


prefer answer from ppl who has been married for over 6 yrs

(I am based in Hong Kong)

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Posted by Michael1977 (180 days ago)

3-4 times a week is pretty normal, I would say.

2-3 times per month...doesn't look nice to me.

Just my oppinion.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by sargirl (179 days ago)

niji

There is no such thing as normal when it comes to how many times. One couple may like 3-4 times a week, another may be totally happy with 1-2 times every six months. It depends on the couple themselves and their own requirements.

Remember, friendship and compatability also determine the strength of relationship as well as sex, perhaps even more so. Try not to live by magazine guidelines - they are there to make sales and do not necessarily reflect true life and cannot in any way reflect on your own individual circumstances.

Stay cool and do whatever you and your partner are happy with.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by maymayhk (179 days ago)

Maybe instead of "norma", a better word is "common". Based on what I've read from all sources of info, 2-3times/month isn't as common. But sargirl is right, it's not important; what's important is whether you BOTH are happy with this. Your husband doesn't seem have have a strong libido, what about you? If yous is stronger than his then that becomes an issue and should be dealt with.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (179 days ago)

Exactly to the point maymayhk, but niju has been in an 8 year relationship. How long has this been an issue? If it has only recently become infrequent, then what's happened?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cd (176 days ago)

Myself and all my friends, male and female had this conversation last year about how often was normal etc, and believe me virtually none of them were doing 'it' 3-4 times a week. 1 or twice seemed more usual and many less than that. If you're both happy with 2-3 times a month then its fine, its quality not quantity that counts. Problems only arise if one partner is not happy.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by niju (176 days ago)

Agree , thanks Cd
I do think is about the quantity ,

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by woods99 (176 days ago)

Sexual intercourse is only one aspect of a relationship. Admittedly, it is a very important one, particularly in the early days.

But there are many ways that couples can show warmth and affection for each other, and enjoy each other physically, apart from intercourse. Hugs, kisses, smiles, a comforting touch of the hand.......if a relationship lacks these things it is really in trouble, IMHO.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by beancurd (175 days ago)

if young couple and just new lovers, everyday or even twice a day
if about 3 years relationship, every other day or sometimes 4 times a week
if over 8 years, i think the libido dropped but it does not mean that you do not love each other and it depends to your mood because it is like chinese food, you cannot eat chinese food all the time. However, touching, hugging are important to show affection to each other even without sex.

And when the woman reach her menopause, then it is the stage where the woman lost interest in that activity. If you have the total hysterectomy, total loss of sex appetite.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by trinityuk (171 days ago)

let say you have been married for 5 years, with 2 kids, do you still do it for needs or must?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by cd (171 days ago)

Just because you're married and have kids doesn't mean you stop having sex. I have been married 21 years, have 5 kids, but would say sex is better now than when I was younger.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (171 days ago)

...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tigerbay (171 days ago)

my two cents

quantity is only an issue if you both want different.
I read somewhere last year that many western couples are opting for celibacy. Lots of reasons why, but biggest is it gets one source of tension out the way.
This study implies that not everybody thinks that sex is important.

Lots of reasons for changes in sex drive. My drive took a dive when my wife miscarried.
Choices of birth control can lead to a loss of spontineity. Even to an attitude of not worth the effort.
Levels of stress at work or at home.
Worrying about sex too much can kill things.
Age
Menopause can actually lead to an increase in sexual activity, as fear of pregnancy has now gone, and so the woman can relax and enjoy it more.

What is normal? I think the term used should be what is average. So for every body who is doing it 5 times a day, there must be somebody at it twice a year or even never, to arrive at 3-4 times a week.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by zonked (171 days ago)

"My drive took a dive when my wife miscarried."

In some ways it is very refreshing to read this from a guy...... I think even though your sex drive might have declined, your wife's love for you must have definitely gone up, to see that the miscarriage affected you so badly.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by beancurd (171 days ago)

Age
Menopause can actually lead to an increase in sexual activity, as fear of pregnancy has now gone, and so the woman can relax and enjoy it more.

For the man I suppose can relax and enjoy .... but for the woman, I do not think so...

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by My Hong Kong (171 days ago)

I read somewhere last year that many western couples are opting for celibacy. Lots of reasons why, but biggest is it gets one source of tension out the way.
This study implies that not everybody thinks that sex is important.

I've tried to stretch my mind about this, but found it hard to imagine that two loyal and healthy people would choose such a lifestyle and really be happy. How about hugging and kissing and cuddling? Do they do that? Personally, when I love a man...I have the need to touch and be touched…to show affection and also to have sex with him. This need continues for years and years and years or as long as the relationship is solid.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ribbons (171 days ago)

Agree with My Hong Kong. Finding it difficult to imagine why anyone in a marriage or committed relationship would choose not to have sex, unless there were health issues that prevented it.

Can't even think of why sex would create stress... The thought of lying in bed next to someone who had taken a vow of chastity... well, THAT would create too much stress for me. Seems completely pointless.

I've heard of people who buy blow up dolls to have the sex, and not the stress of a relationship, but never the other way around.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tigerbay (171 days ago)

'Menopause can actually lead to an increase in sexual activity', the key word here is 'can'. I read an article on the effects of menopause a while ago now. 'Can' lead to means 'some women', not the majority.

On the subject of Celibacy, there were several books written about it in the 90s.
It took me a while to get my head around this as well.
A commited relationship may not be a passionate one. Some couples fall out of love but stay commited to each other to meet other needs that they have. Others have a minimal libido, so if you get a couple like who both have minimal libido it is only a small step.

Nor does celibacy mean sharing a bed with somebody who has made a vow of chastity. it has to be mutual, as does doing it 5 times a day.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by ribbons (171 days ago)

Right... so the marriage is really dead. It's just become a convenient arrangement.
Sorry, I'd have to get out of something so empty.

I mean, that's why we have friends. We don't have to sleep with them right? But we don't have to live with them either.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tigerbay (171 days ago)

Doesn't mean a marraige is dead if there is no sex.
Doesn't mean it is merely a convenient arrangement, although I know several cases of this.

And if that sort of relationship is not for you then fine, that's your choice.

You don't have to live with people, but we choose to. But if it works for both parties, and both parties are content, then don't knock it merely because it does not suit you.

It takes all sorts to make a world. There are lots of relationships that not everybody 'gets', or approves of. Doesn't make them wrong.

One thing I learned as I got older. If something seems wrong, dumb, irrational, or crazy then I don't have all the facts.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by ribbons (170 days ago)

Well, I was responding to your statement "Some couples fall out of love but stay commited to each other to meet other needs that they have." If so, it's just not a question of no sex. There's no love to drive the connection.

No doubt many people find themselves in a relationship with someone because it's easier than leaving.

In fact, lots of people actively hate each other, and yet stay together.

Yet, people do clearly continue to have a desire for love and affection. I think it is about being true to yourself really, and honest with the other person.

It doesn't sound dumb, or irrational or crazy to me that people would choose to live in emotional limbo. It sounds like sad rationalism. And if what you say is the reason for a falling-off in the frequency of sex, well, then loss of sex drive does matter as an indicator as to loss of interest. If one senses this, then one ought to act to try to restore romance and intimacy in a marriage.

Don't let it wither and die and become an empty shell through complacency. Sexual interest can be created by showing tender love and concern for the other. It will surely die if that turns to mere accommodation. But the innate desire for love, affection and yes, sex will still be there, but not for the person one lives with. This surely can lead to other problems, not least of which may be emotional loneliness - even when paired.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tigerbay (170 days ago)

I agree fully with your last posting Ribbons

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by zonked (170 days ago)

Thank God for this article! I wanted to write so much on this thread and the article says it all.

Sex -- the Stress buster

According to a survey, revealed at an Indian Psychiatrists Society (IPS) seminar held recently, more and more couples are turning away from sex simply because they are too tired after work.

This is especially true of young couples in metros who are too busy running the rat race to devote time in the bedroom. The keeping up with the Joneses syndrome has overtaken all desire for physical intimacy.

So, is it time to push the alarm button? Yes, say experts who feel that physical intimacy between couples is the key to a happy and stress-free relationship. Sex is much more than just a physical act and is very important for one’s physical and emotional health. Some recent studies claim that sex practiced in a cozy atmosphere works as an effective stress buster.

Because of deep breathing and touching involved in sexual activities, our body produces hormones called ‘endorphins’. These hormones are also known as ‘feel-good’ hormones, because of the moment of pleasure they bring along. Therefore, sex does not only bring in a feeling of well-being but a calming effect too.

Shriya Gupta, a homemaker opines, “Though it’s only for a short period but sex actually relives you from all your worries and you feel much better. Not only intercourse but foreplay also helps in decreasing the stress level to a certain extent. Sex is a way of expressing your feelings with your physical self involved in it. I think it is a very romantic way of relaxing with your spouse. Above all, it really helps you in burning so many calories.”

Many individuals believe that because of their healthy sex life, they feel more emotionally involved with their partner. However, we cannot forget that only pleasurable sex can increase the sense of attachment between couples.

Noted psychiatrist Dr Sameer Parikh says, “There is a very scientific way to look at it as merely sex will not help much. If you consider sex as one of the daily chores then you will not get any satisfaction out of it. Sex demands your physical as well as mental involvement. I think it is an extension of a relationship which strengthens the bond between two individuals.”

Unfortunately, in the quest of attaining a stress-free life, sex is taking a back seat. The desire for material pleasures is killing the basic desire of pleasuring each other.

Sex is a dimension of love and experts believe that ignoring yours and your partners’ sexual desires can be hazardous for a relationship.

Dr Rachna Singh, holistic medicine and lifestyle management expert says, “With today’s fast paced life, pressure on relationships has increased. With demanding professional lives, most of us end up ignoring our personal needs. Not having a good sex life can result into dissatisfaction between couples. ”

The fast pace of life today is leaving us with no time for basic and simple pleasures. With our busy schedules, it is quite easy to forget about your partner’s needs. Experts feel that couples should set themselves extra time for those special moments – after all, there is no simpler and effective stress buster than some action between the sheets.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Elodie (170 days ago)

It says it all indeed! V. good article, thanks!
Except i read "stress booster" instead of buster, was taken aback for a while... lol

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by zonked (170 days ago)

But one thing I have to clarify : even I did not always think this way (that good and a lot of sex is a wonderful thing to have in life).

It takes to be with the right man, to feel the connection and chemistry.... and then it is addictive, nothing less than that.... to make you realise how wonderful and beautiful sex can make you feel and even look!

And if you ever experience that in your life you'd never disregard the importance of sex.

And so, definitely people who are sexually unhappy with their partners have something vital missing in their relationship.... not having sex or not having enough of it is only a symptom of the existing problems.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ribbons (170 days ago)

Totally agree with you Zonked!

Forget Tiramisu.....

At this point, I recall Woody Allen on 'bad sex': "I've never had an orgasm I didn't like."

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by flashback (170 days ago)

Sex doesn't have to be earth-shattering every time, but being regular does stop 'issues' from arising.

Factors such as childbirth, miscarriage etc. do impact, but one usually gets over them given a bit of time and patience, and often new environments and romantic gestures help to bring things around.

Being open to suggestions is important. Regular sex cements a relationship and promotes loving, fun attitudes in a relationship.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by tigerbay (167 days ago)

I agree with you to a point zonked.

But the implication is that sex without love is not as good. When in fact rampant lust can lead to fantastic sex.

You also say "people who are sexually unhappy with their partners have something vital missing in their relationship'. I think the vital is to strong.
Important, yes. Vital, no. Necessary, no. People and relationships can and do survive without it.

The view that implied here (and I know it is not your intention) is that if you aren't getting enough you are in a bad relationship. And this sort of message can add to stresses and cause cracks in otherwise functional relationships.

Great sex does not equal great love/relationship.
Bad/no sex does not equal no bad/no love/relationship.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by My Hong Kong (167 days ago)

Bad/no sex does not equal no bad/no love/relationship!

Do you whole heartedly believe in that? I find it difficult to go along with this line of thought.

When two people are involved in a ROMANTIC relationship...in my mind sex should be part of the package. Lack of sex brings physical frustration, a reduction in self esteem (Why he/she does not desire me anymore? Why he/she is not getting turned on by me?) and it removes a source of playfulness from the relationship.

Sex is not VITAL as food or drink. You can survive without it when you are not involved in a relationship. But once you are in a relationship...avoiding sex (we are talking about people with no health problems) has an emotional implication that is very destructive.

But of course, each and their own views and personal experiences. What I expressed here was based on mine.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by ribbons (167 days ago)

Totally agree with you My Hong Kong. It's easier to survive without sex outside of a relationship than within one for all of the reasons you mention.

If someone has a sex drive but is not attracted to their partner, well they are closing down a lot of themselves to stay in the relationship. Many people do stay together for the sex. I know people who have a very volatile relationship, always on the brink of collapse, but the sex is the best thing going for the relationship. As dysfunctional as it is, I can understand that kind of relationship easier than one where the couple politely share tiffin etc then retire to twin beds. Are they sneaking out the window/door late at night?

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by neversaynever (164 days ago)

Im with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We are a very busy couple i have to say.

In HK we would have sex around 2 to 4 times a wk.

When we go for holiday we have sex around 2 to 4 times a day.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by wasabigizmobunny (163 days ago)

It sounds like that YOU (niju) would like to have more frequent encounters but your hubby is the one that's not interested. If you do want more sex it's important to communicate your desires to your partner. Also, you could try to initial more often and put on some sexy lingerie. I think if you feel sexy and are in shape then you send out certain signal and your partner should pick up on them. On the other hand, if you think your infrequent sex life is a sign of distance growing between the two of you, then have more sex will not solve the problem.

Sex is not the most important part in a relationship but a good physical relationship does strengthen a close emotional bond. The important thing is BOTH parties are satisfied with the quality and frequency of sex. Personally my hubby and I have been together 7 years and we have a 5 month old and we still have sex almost daily.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by RINZ (153 days ago)

Wow you should be proud if your husband says he loves you not lust. And having sex 1-4 times a month is healthy. In a marriage, sex is only 10% of the total activity. You should know that. So count with all the other activities, communication, spending hobbies together, working, etc etc, 1-4 times a month, that is no more than 10%. Right?

Sex is a secondary thing, relationship is the first thing.if i were you, i will be very happy that my husband loves me not lust. And that will be exactly what i wanted!

NEVER believe what is written on a magazine! I stopped reading magazines because it destroy my knowledge completely. They often twist the truth just to get sales and to get readers excited and want to buy the magazine! That's what reporter's do. They twist or add a lot of recipe inside the original story.

(I am based in Shanghai)

Posted by maxis (152 days ago)

can't compare with others.

what is good for some is terrible for others.

But if one wants/expects more or less than the other (by a fair amount) you are looking down the barrel of some difficult times ahead.

Some partners feel they should permit the other to "play" elsewhere if it is purely physical. Like if one likes cycling more than the other, they don'd the other doing it without them

But it seems quite weird to me for relationships like that. Not very nice.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by mumof2boys (149 days ago)

Sex is a form of communication and if there are feelings of rejection about it you should address him about it. and then act as if he wants you all the time, ( ie. act sexy like you really believe you are his only desire) refuse to admit otherwise to yourself and try if it's been a few days and he's not exhausted or having some other problems to seduce him in loving ways.
Hey there can be plenty of lust in a love relationship!!!

I think at least 1 time a week would be more normal in todays busy lives although I read couples in HongKong have the least amount of sex in the world. Not surprising when both parents work, and you have kids that share your bed though!!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by richweddle (128 days ago)

There is no "normal" frequency for having sex. Unless the frequency has gradually diminished, you should not be alarmed. The more important thing is make sure he isn't withdrawing from you. In any case, you will have to gravitate towards his frequency otherwise you will cause tension. Remember, sex is only one of many ways to connect in a marriage to "create" and be in love. There are many ways to create love: giving is one for example. Why do parents love their children so much? Not because the children give to their parents but because their parents constantly give to their children. Have a mutual session where both of you sit down (revise once a year) and create a list from which to give - take turns telling your partner what you would like to receive and don't qualify it just write it down. Then, on a regular basis, start giving to that person from that list, not from what you want to give. You may find that the gratification you receive from your giving fills some of your desires from sex. Just a suggestion and who knows? Do you have a regular, once-a-week date night, on the same night where you are not interrupted? Do you regularly touch and talk - could be anything but "date night", regular touching and talking help you connect. Connecting, a form of foreplay can increase the frequency of sex. Some people need more "suggestions" than others. Maybe you're not fully connecting and if you do, he will desire you more often sexually. Don't know - each situation is unique. Thanks and wishing you well! Rich

(I am based in Unspecified)

Posted by joeyclaris7 (118 days ago)

science... how old is he??? o.O... give him when he wants it... dont force him when he doesnt want it... lol its not fun to have it with someone who doesnt or has no mood want to! Or if you feel... something's not right... you have the right to ask... if he doesnt a have a reason and if ur not suspicious.... then back to sqaure one "give him when he wants it... dont force him when he doesnt want it"... (ITS AN OPINION)

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by casualsurfer (112 days ago)

no such thing as normal. been married 10 years, 2 little boys with more energy than the sun puts out in a century, and we haven't done it for 2 years simply because we're TOO TIRED.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Digital Blonde (111 days ago)

I can understand the reason, but I think the problem might be a little deeper then you think if you have allowed celibacy to persist for two years, that is an awful long time. That is 1/5 of your entire relationship.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by FKKC (111 days ago)

Totally agreed with you on this one DB.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by Digital Blonde (111 days ago)

yes well what about the last one?? you still haven't answered the question I posed?? weird how women don't seem to answer it every time I ask it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by FKKC (111 days ago)

Didn't know you posed a question that needs answering ....will see to that....guess I have to find the thread first......

niju...sorry about this....using your thread to reply to DB on another matter.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by honkie (108 days ago)

what about this situation? my friend's ex gf is a transgender...they loved each other and lived together few years but his gf lost sex drive after the transgender surgery and she said she is no longer physically attracted to my friend. his gf decided to split but they are still emotionally attached even till now.

does this relationship work again?!

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by 008 (107 days ago)

maybe some people have lower sexual drive...they can live without it. at least thats what my partner says..

I have a problem with my partner in that sense. But then again it doesnt mean the emotional attachment is gone.. but whether the relationship can survive eventually is something else. Realistically speaking....

Casual surfer, dont u feel something is missing? Family or work, they are separate from intimacy...

(I am based in Singapore)

Posted by gofly68 (102 days ago)

For me the normal is to have it 2-3 times a week. But still the most considered thing is the quality. Its useless if we have it everyday but dont enjoy it. As long as the couple happy with it, its fine and normal. So it depends on the couple itself.

(I am based in Hong Kong)

Posted by glad (101 days ago)

that's odd. If he is contented with that and as long as you are also contented with the situation theres no problem but once one of you is nnot happy of the situation I guess you need to talk and discuss about it.

(I am based in Hong Kong)