DH refusing to go out on her days-off

Posted by Nuri (99 days ago)

My indo helper does not want to go out on her days-off. She said she does not want to go out at all.

I asked her to go out of the house as I do trully believe she needs to have rest from my two kids (9 and 1 yo). She insists she is not tired and she does not want to go out to spend money. I told her that if she wants she can stay in her room as I do not want my kids to automatically bother her with requests.

Last Sunday she stayed at home but throughout the day did not stay in her room and kept on helping me with the kids even though I did not ask her.

Iunderstand that she tries to earn extra money. So I increased her salary by HK$500 and insisted that she should go out. I explained that as a teacher I know how tired and at times irritated I can be. I do need my days-off away from those kids.

She seems to not understand and does not plan to go out on coming Sunday.

What else can I do???

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Posted by apple79 (99 days ago)

you're such a darling employer... ms. Nuri. well is she new in here? perhaps she's trying to impress you and doing extra help could lessen her chance of termination...

just a suggestion: why not tell her that you needed some privacy with your family (family time) and that her day off is the only time.

Posted by evildeeds (99 days ago)

It is also possible she is trying to avoid the sharks out there and prefers to stay safe at home. Apart from the agencies there are plenty of other pressures people try to inflict on FDH, Indonesians in particular.

Posted by F355 (99 days ago)

why not let her do what she want????

Posted by ldsllvn (99 days ago)

F355 - simply becaues, she should have time off! you see, she is around all sunday and trying to help - I would feel really guilty as an employer! and physically and mentally she needs to get away. Plus as an employer, it is nice to have a house to yourself every now and then...

Posted by F355 (99 days ago)

but she not like to go out, why you want to force here. i am sure she know what she want to do. please treat her like a human and not like a pet.

Posted by axptguy38 (99 days ago)

"please treat her like a human and not like a pet."

Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

I am pretty sure Nuri wouldn't force the helper to do anything. It's just that staying in the same place all the time is not very good for a person in the long run.

Posted by Nuri (99 days ago)

When she stays at home and helps on her day-off I feel obligated to pay. To start with, I can't afford. Secondly, I am a teacher and if i did not have days-off I would be irritated and angry. It is only natural. Thirdly, we do need our privacy.

apple79, I am worried that if I openly tell her that we need our privacy she will get offended. I do not want to hurt her feelings because she has to be the only care-taker of my 1 yo from 8am till 3 pm every school day. That is why i insist that SHE needs to have a rest.

Posted by sweetgirl79 (99 days ago)

Ms Nuri.
i think you were also an Indonesian too right? you can try to talk to her from heart to heart to let her know about how you feel and what you want her to do to stop you from feeling irritated w/ her around you all the time.would be good if you talk to her directly and nicely.you have to try it ok.u are right we need a privacy.Good luck.

Posted by apple79 (99 days ago)

.... and if nice talks wont work, tell her "I will terminate your contract if you will not go out on your day off" hahahihi but don't you do it right?! and if its not too much on you give her that 500 extra money even if she's going out hahahihi

Posted by notyou (99 days ago)

ms. nuri, i understand. i wish i had your problem. seriously, my helper leaves on sat night and struggles to make it in on monday morning and then she's not fully awake. however, if it were me, i'd say that if she wants to work sunday, you can find her work (i think it's allowed, right?) then you can call me! ha ha. no, really just joking. it's awkward because she doesn't sound like she has anywhere to go, but i'd tell her several things...one, you need sunday for your family to know you can live without help. her help is fabulous, but if she's there all the time, you all forget how to do some basics and you're trying to teach your kids some things. Also, sunday is the day when you like to make personal phone calls, walk around in your underwear and your husband wants to have the 3 of you all to himself. sometimes you also like to say funny things, sing together and you are a little embarrassed to be so silly if she's around. don't insist she leave, but insist she not come in the apartment or house.

Posted by notyou (99 days ago)

is this common with some helpers? i haven't heard of this before.

Posted by kittycat2 (98 days ago)

Maybe she is just tired - going out takes energy, and maybe she would prefer just to take it easy at 'home'. When I worked 6 days a week, the last thing I wanted to do on my day off was spend the day out of the house.

Posted by Nuri (97 days ago)

notyou, thank you for some useful ideas! BTW, she went out today because, as she explained, it's Indonesian Day of Independance. Hopefully, she will continue taking days-off outdoors.

Overall, she is very very greedy. She won't spend a cent of her salary. I even buy her some clothes as she said she only has one pair of pants. I understand that she tries to take me for a ride but since she kept on wearing only one pair of pants and washing them every night I just had to buy her 2 extra pairs.

Therefore, I think that thatis why she does not want to take days-off: so that she would not spend money. And that was the second reason why I increased her salary by HK$500 (main reason was that she has been performing well throughout the 3 months she's been with us).

Posted by Moppet (97 days ago)

If it is purely down to money then i would insist she went out and gave my familly some space she can certainly afford a few dollars for this.

Posted by cara (97 days ago)

it might not be "greed" rather "need". perhaps she is supporting her family in indonesia and is paying off a huge debt to an agency there. perhaps, what she is doing is being "self-less" by taking the best care of her family that she can, just as you are taking the best care of your family as you can.

(ps> pleast don't read this as a nasty comment, it isn't meant that way, it is meant as another way to look at the situation.)

Posted by Moppet (97 days ago)

That's very possible cara but it doesn't really change anything as it is very important to her health and well being to have a break from work and the children so as to not get tetchy and tired. It is equally important that the familly get to enjoy some private time to themselves. They have already increased her salary by 500 which is far more than it would need to cost her for a months worth of days off if she was being careful.She could even make some food to take with her to save money.

Posted by cara (97 days ago)

i agree that she needs to get out of the house. everyone does.

however, if the scenario that i posed above is the case, then she's probably thinking, "great! $500 more to send home!"

Posted by apple79 (96 days ago)

if she dont want to spend a money and you want her to go out during her day off then let her bring out a pack lunch hahahehe.... have her breakfast first then allow her to cook noodles in your house for her dinner... hahahehe

nope I think she will understand that privacy thing....

Im a DH too and I knew the feeling. I knew why shouldn't I spend a single cent during my first 6 months in here and I knew why should I do more than my best to help so that I will not get a lay off... but sometimes, good becomes bad, like in your case....

and for an FDH its better to get offended (for a good cause) than to be terminated, right?!

just my two cents. I think she's not greedy....

Posted by cd (96 days ago)

Be firm, you're right she needs a break to recharge her batteries and a change of scene. How expensive is it to make a packed lunch and go and meet your friends in the park.

Posted by mdap (94 days ago)

Maybe she is nervous and scared of HK. Why not change her day off from Sunday to a weekday, then less other maids around to pester her etc, she might prefer this arrangement. FYI, we keep our maids (three) from having Sunday off and they get Tuesday or Wednesday (they sort it out themselves) as their day off. It is a good idea at times to not let your maid (especially if new) to mix with all the other maids ....

Posted by glad (88 days ago)

That's weird! My helper was very happy when I told her before that she can have 2 days off a week. She leaves Friday at 5 pm. So your helper is really weird.